Do you ever log in to Pinterest and feel overwhelmed by the amount of recipes, crafts, or outfits you’ve pinned?  I know I do.  In fact, for a while I was avoiding Pinterest partly because it was too much, too fast!  Well, that and because I had a baby that was taking up 99.9% of my time.

I use Pinterest predominately for finding awesome recipes.  There are so many people out there that blog about food, not to mention all the professional recipe websites, that I can easily find handfuls of recipes to pin each day.  The problem with that is I pin way more than I can make in a given week, month, or even year!  In fact, when I do my menu planning, my Pinterest has so many recipes on it, I more often than not find myself bypassing Pinterest and looking at Allrecipes instead.  My cookbooks are angry at me for this reason as well.

I made a resolution with myself to cook at least one new recipe a week for the month of February.  I failed miserably. It’s time to try again.  I am going to try to cook one new thing each week from now on instead of limiting myself.  My mom did it when I was growing up and I believe it is a good practice to get into.  This way, I may find a go to recipe like my Brown Sugar Meatloaf (which came around the last time I resolved to add new recipes into my repertoire).

I spent a good amount of time on Pinterest this morning and have found the following five recipes I am going to try to work into my cooking between now and March 31.

In the spirit of sharing, I challenge all of you to make the same recipes so we can compare at the end of March.  I’m always interested in how people changed the recipe and what side dishes they chose to serve alongside.  If you would like to take pictures of your dishes and email them to me, I will feature you in my conclusions post.

1.  Chicken Adobo by Crepes of Wrath

2.  Parmesan Chicken Bake by Food Wishes

3.  Frito Pie by Steamy Kitchen  *I will probably make this with ground turkey*

4.  Balsamic & Parmesan Roasted Green Beans with Mushrooms by Kalyn’s Kitchen

5.  Slow Cooker Chicken & Dumplings by Polish the Stars

BONUS RECIPE CHALLENGE:  Nutter Butter Bars by Keep It Sweet

For those of you who don’t share my same recipe tastes, I would be interested in hearing which dishes you’ve tried in the last month or so that you just loved!  I’m always looking for those recipes that will stick with me for years to come and I find suggestions from others are a great place to start.

When we got to talking about tummy time, she mentioned her boy wasn’t a fan. As Jake is usually asleep when I’m home, I had no idea if he liked it or not. This morning before work, I decided I would see how Jake was doing, if he could hold his head up, and if he liked tummy time at all. This is what happened:

1. Post these rules.
2. You must post 11 random things about yourself.
3. Answer the questions set for you in their post.
4. Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
5. Tag them on Twitter, Facebook or their blog.

My 11 Things:

1.  News, for the most part, bores me.  At least politics.  I can get behind entertainment news however.
2.  I never thought I would enjoy nursing.  Turns out it is one of my favorite things about being a mama.
3.  My best friend, Carolyn, and I can text each other random lines from Friends or Big Bang Theory and the other person will text the following line back to the first.  It can happen anywhere at any time without notice.  We have nearly a 100% success rate.
4.  I own approximately 20 cookbooks.  I can’t remember the last time I made a recipe I didn’t find online.
5.  I start and stop couponing at least once a year.
6.  Every time I hear a new Zelda game is coming out, I could the days down until I can get a copy for myself to play.  I have yet to complete an entire game.
7.  I am addicted to amazon.com.  I’d be surprised if you receive a gift from me in the future that did not come from said website.
8.  Barenaked Ladies are my favorite band.  I will do whatever I can to see them in concert as they put on the best show I’ve ever seen.
9.  I was anti Twilight for a very long time until one day I decided to rent it from the library.  That night I sat riveted on my couch as I watched the love story between Edward and Bella unfold before my eyes.  I watched the movie again the next morning before I had to return it to the library.  Following this, I read all four books and rented the movie again within a week.  Needless to say, I’m in love with the series.
10.  People think I’m very talkative, but making small talk is one of the hardest, most intimidating things I can think of.
11.  My favorite place in the entire universe is Maui.  Every time I get the chance to visit, I always say I’m going home.  I believe in a previous life I was Hawaiian.  It’s really the only explanation.  :)
11b.  (Bonus thing about me.)  I have a tendency to overuse emoticons.  I just can’t help myself!  :P

1. Which states have you visited?  Hawaii, California, Nevada, Texas, Oklahoma, Louisiana, Mississippi, Missouri, Illinois, Michigan, Indiana, Ohio, Kentucky, Tennessee, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, South Carolina, North Carolina, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Maine (24/50)
2. What’s your favorite talk show and why?  It’s a toss up between Rachael Ray and The Chew.  I have been watching Rachael Ray for the last few years, but The Chew is new and so far I really like it.  I’m a huge foodie and both of these talk shows center around that theme.
3. If you could live abroad, where would you choose?  Italy.  No question.  I’m half Italian and love the culture.  I would love to study Italian cooking there.
4. If you could change something about your home/where you live, without worrying about expense or mess, what would you do?  I would like closer to the beach (preferably I’d live on Maui).  The only bad part would be visiting my friends and family.  That’s honestly a big reason why I haven’t seriously considered moving to Maui in the past.
5. What’s under your bed?  I don’t think anything.  Jeff doesn’t like to store things under there.
6. How far away from your birthplace do you live now?  I was born in Strongsville, so about 3 hours. 
7. Do you sing in the shower?  Depends on my mood.  We have a TV in the bathroom too, so if there is something good on I’ll be too busy watching it to sing.
8. Would you rather swim in a pool, lake, or beach?  I would prefer to swim in a pool, but I like playing in the ocean (bobbing along with the waves). 
9. What was the last movie you saw?  Contraband.  It was just eh.
10. Who was the last person you received a text message from? Why are they important to you?  Carolyn.  She is my absolute most bestest friend ever. 
11. Do you like to ice skate?  I wouldn’t know.  I’ve never been.  I have, however, been roller blading and I’m guessing based on that I would not be very good at ice skating.

11 questions:

1.  What is your favorite ingredient to cook with?
2.  Do you like mayonnaise?
3.  Which season do you love the most?
4.  What singer/band is your favorite?
5.  Do you like board games?  If yes, which one is your favorite?
6.  What was your most memorable vacation?  Why?
7.  If you were stranded on a deserted island, what three things would you bring with you?
8.  Are you a stomach, back, or side sleeper?
9.  How many times a day do you check your email?
10.  What is “your drink” at Starbucks?
11.  If you were going to die tomorrow, what would you have as your last meal?

11 Tags:

Abby @ Sugar and Spice
Carolyn @ Perfectly Imperfect
Kristen @ Baby Makes Three
Jamie @ Food in Real Life
Alison @ The Next Big Adventure
Jenna @ Eat Live Run
Megan @ What’s Megan Making
Brittany @ A Healthy Slice of Life
Emily @ Daily Garnish
Ashley @ (Never Home) Maker, Baby
Ashely @ The Edible Perspective

Such a fun tag!

When your baby is born, you are automatically supposed to know how, when, and how much to feed him.  You will know which techniques will work best for you and your little one straight away with no learning required.  He will be able to latch on with no problems, stay awake for the entire feeding, and not need help burping.  Your body will make plenty of milk for him and you will never question whether or not he is getting enough food.

Wait.  That’s not how it works?  You mean brand spanking new mamas actually have questions about breastfeeding?  No way.

Becoming a mom is hard.  Your whole life changes in an instant and  you just expect you will know exactly what to do.  This could not be farther from the truth.  Sure, there is a definite mother’s instinct that kicks in, but believe me you will have enough questions to fill a book.  There have been several books written about these questions in fact.  Can you believe everything they say?  No.  Will your experience mirror what is written in those books?  Probably not.

I wish I had all the answers when Jacob was born.  I wish I knew exactly what to do and how to do it and what each whimper and cry he made signaled.  That, my friends, is just not the way it works.  I questioned every single move I made for the first few weeks.  I’m sure I will keep questioning myself for the rest of his life.  I figured out kids are based heavily on trial and error.  I wanted to share some of my trials and errors with you when it comes to breastfeeding as well as some of my thoughts on the topic.

Breastfeeding is a very personal and private decision.  I believe every woman has the right to choose whether or not she will nurse her baby.  I also believe that whatever decision she makes is the right one for her and her little one.  For me, it was a somewhat difficult decision but, after the choice was made, it’s a decision I never questioned.

For some reason, the idea of nursing was just weird at first.  To be blunt, the thought of a little person hanging off my boobs was not very appealing.  Then, after talking to Carolyn, I started to see the bigger picture.  Breast milk is the absolute most perfect food for my little boy.  It changes as his nutritional needs change.  In fact, I recently read that as a breastfed baby gets older, he may not necessarily need more ounces as a formula fed baby does since the breast milk’s nutritional makeup develops and becomes more filling.  That is crazy and awesome at the same time!

In addition to breast milk being the most perfect food, nursing has tons of other benefits.  Breast fed babies typically have a better immune system therefore they don’t seem to get sick as often as formula fed babies.  You don’t need to burp breast fed babies as much since they don’t take as much air into their bodies as with bottles.  Breast milk is free,  convenient (in the natural form), and always at the right temperature.  (I hate warming bottles in the middle of the night!)  Nursing can also help you lose that baby weight as your body typically burns around 500 calories a day producing the milk.

One of the most important things to me however is the bond Jacob and I share when he’s nursing.  When my little boy is crying and chewing on his hands, I know what he needs.  Being able to quickly and efficiently provide food for him is one of the best feelings in the world.  Looking down at that little face, stroking his hair, and feeling his warmth next to my skin is one of the most precious things in all the world.  It’s our time together and I look forward to it every night.  Sure, sleep would be wonderful, but seeing that little face at 3a makes up for the lack of sleep.

Let me backtrack a little though.  I want to say when you are first learning to breastfeed (yes, it is a learned process for both you AND your little one), it is tough.  I struggled with it and my little one had no problems latching on!  I actually feel I got lucky in the breastfeeding game.  I still think learning to breastfeed is tough.  I can see how so many women give up on it.

When I first came home from the hospital, I had tons of questions.  I asked everyone from my mom to my fellow new mothers to an old high school friend that, lucky for me, is now a neonatologist and studied to be a lactation consultant.  Thanks for all the help, Manika!  As I have said several times in the past, ask as many questions of as many people as you can!  Knowledge is power!

The first thing I had problems with is (pardon me for being frank) sore, cracked nipples.  You know how you get chapped lips in the winter?  Well, when you moisten your lips with your tongue, it feels better at first and then dries out even more, right?  The best way to soothe and heal your lips is to add some lip balm.  That is essentially what lanolin does for your nipples.  Your little one will be nursing 8-12 times (sometimes more) a day.  He will get saliva and breast milk on your nipple and cause them to dry out a little bit.  Pay attention when I tell you to apply lanolin after every. single. feeding. no matter how tired you are at least for the first few weeks.  You will thank me for this.  I skipped a 12 hour period while in the hospital and I regretted it.  My nipples became raw, cracked, and bleeding.  It took several days for them to heal and even now they are sometimes more sensitive than others.

My favorite lanolin is the Medela brand.  It is thicker than the Lansinoh brand, goes on smoother, and seems to stay on longer.  However, if you are like me and you accidentally kill your nipples, there are some things you can use to fix the problem.

First thing’s first: help your lanolin work best for you.  Invest in some gel pads.  I would put the lanolin on my nipples, then put these gel pads over them.  Everything got held in place by a nighttime nursing bra.  It’s similar to a sports bra, but with pockets that can be moved out of the way to nurse.  I found mine at Target, but I’m sure they are everywhere.  I kept the gel pads on 24/7 for about 3 or 4 days.  The only times I would remove them would be to nurse or to shower.  Speaking of shower, they say to avoid washing your breasts with soap as it can be drying.  They also say putting breastmilk on your nipples and letting them air dry will help prevent soreness and cracking, but if you use the lanolin I’m sure that would work just fine too.

The other thing that can help you both with curing your nipple situation and relieving some of the pain that comes with the soreness and cracking is a nipple shield.  They also aid in helping your little one obtain the correct latch.  They provide a barrier between your little one’s mouth and the soreness you may experience.  If you do develop dry, cracked nipples, the last thing on Earth you want to do is let some little 8 pound monster suckle on you.  It is pain you can’t even imagine (unless you gave birth with no pain meds…which I know nothing about).  I remember being in tears at the thought of letting Jake even close to my breasts before I used the nipple shield.  These nipple shields are amazing though.  They let you continue nursing while providing a bit of relief at the same time.  They also, like I said, help train your little one’s mouth.  The nipple shield pulls the nipple up into the plastic and provides a study base for your little one to latch on it.  It really helped Jake understand what he was supposed to be doing.  Now, weeks later, he has no problem latching right on.

This is just the first in a series of posts about nursing.  Stay tuned for part 2!

Yesterday, after picking my little guy up from daycare, the most amazing thing happened. I had only heard of this phenomenon but yesterday I witnessed it.

Jacob smiled at me.

Melt. My. Heart.

There I was, making silly faces and noises at him, telling him I loved him and he looked up at me with the best expression!

Of course I didn’t get it on camera, but I’m sure it will happen. After all, I’m averaging about 300 pictures per month. Stay tuned!

Monday was my first day back at work. It made me reflect on the past six weeks and how much has changed since the last time I was in the store. Six weeks ago, I wasn’t a mom. Sure I was pregnant but you’re not really a mom until that baby is born and you can hold him in your arms.

You don’t understand what it means to be a parent until you are a parent. Those of you who have children understand. It’s something difficult to describe and hard to grasp until you live it.  You can read all the books you want about child care, scheduling, and breastfeeding but when you’re awake with a hungry one week old baby at 3am, that’s when it gets real.

At one week old, Jake, along with my raging hormones, were giving my emotions a workout. I didn’t know if I was happy or sad, hungry or thirsty, awake or asleep. In fact, the only things I remember about that first week was being awake pretty much the whole time, losing my appetite, dealing with depression, learning about breastfeeding, and trying not to accidentally maim my son. The first week of parenthood was torturous for me.

The second week wasn’t a whole lot better, though I feel like I got a handle on the depression. After opting to forego the medication my doctors office offered, I focused on seeing the positive in the situation and learning my baby’s preferences of various things. We learned this week that he needed to be in his own room instead of ours. We weren’t getting much sleep and neither was he. In fact, if I were to do it again, I’d probably start him in his nursery from day one. I can’t say for certain, however, since I was extremely nervous back then.

Week three was very similar to week two. Still working on breastfeeding (trying to figure out how often to feed him, when to supplement with formula, how often to pump, etc…more on that later) and finding our ideal schedule for nighttime changes and feedings.

For the first two weeks, Jeff and I both got up for each feeding. Jeff would change Jacob while I got ready to feed him. It would take about 30 minutes to feed him, then I would burp him and rock him for about five minutes. I would then put him in his bassinet. A few minutes later, he would wake up fussing and I would have to soothe him again. More than once Jeff and I just laid with him in the recliner and let him sleep on our chest for a few hours, just so we could get some rest.

Week three, after we moved Jacob to the nursery, I started getting up during the night by myself. Jeff would give me a break sometimes and feed the baby a bottle, but usually it was just me and baby Jake. Getting up in the middle of the night was still taking its toll on me, but with Jeff sleeping more at night he was more well rested to care for the baby during the day. This was the week of Christmas, so he was able to get some things done around the house I had no energy to do. This week is a blur as well.

Week four arrived and do did my mom. She was in town for 2.5 weeks! If you are pregnant and your mom offers to come stay with you for a while, take her up on it! Best thing that happened during my time off. She was able to come in, get a broader picture of the situation, and make suggestions about various things we were or weren’t trying. She helped us get Jake on a nighttime feeding schedule the first week! She would stay up until 11p or midnight and do the first night feeding. Then she would doze on the couch or her bed and wake me up for the 3a feeding when Jake started to cry. Then I would take over and she would go to bed. It was nice because Jeff could sleep (he had started back to work at this point) and I could get a little break at night too. Let’s face it…before this I was the living dead.

Week four also brought around the possibility of sleeping in the crib. I had tried a few unsuccessful attempts at introducing the crib but Jacob wouldn’t have any of it. One night I woke up for my 3am feeding and got “the report” (a rundown of how Jake had been thus far) from my mom. She said, “Jacob has been sleeping in his bed since midnight.” I asked for clarification, “his bassinet or his crib?” When she said his crib I did a little happy dance. My boy was growing up! Apparently his head kept getting wedged in one part of the bassinet and he didn’t like that very much. When she tried the crib he seemed much happier, so she left him. Hey, whatever works!

Something else I had to work on during week four was increasing my milk supply. Jake had this habit of nursing for 20-30 minutes, falling asleep, and then crying for more half an hour later. At first I thought it was just a growth spurt but he did it all the time! When we fed him milk (breast or formula) from a bottle, he was fine. This led me to believe it was either a bad latch or I wasn’t producing enough milk. I didn’t think his latch was bad, so I worked on getting my milk supply up. I ate more, drank more water, and tried to get as much sleep as possible.

During week five we had to change up our nighttime routine. Now, instead of mom doing the midnight feeding and me taking over at the 3 am feeding, she would wake me up at 3 am to pump and she would feed Jacob. After a week of this I noticed my supply had increased. Now I get between 2-4 oz during most pumpings and a whopping 7 oz during the 3 am pumping!

During week five we were still working with him to self soothe and entertain himself for short periods during the day. It didn’t really work out too well since he wanted to be held and entertained all the time.  I mean who wouldn’t?  We did our best to keep him on a three hour routine, but since he was still so young, we fed him on demand and let him sleep wherever he was comfortable.  I tried to put him in his crib as much as possible during the day but he really liked being around us.  We found he liked sleeping in his swing (a device we were convinced he hated as we had tried him in it several times before).  I think when we tried it the first few weeks, he was just too teeny to enjoy it.

We discovered Jacob likes the sound of the vacuum.  One day my mom asked me what I would like her to get done around the house and I mentioned the vacuuming.  Within a few minutes of turning it on, Jake was out.  He slept in his Boppy Lounger (a must have for little ones) for at least an hour that day!

Week six was the week of BIG changes.  My little boy started daycare during week six.  The first day we dropped him off, Charlotte (the main caretaker in the infant room) told me he would come home from daycare and be super tired.  Boy, was he!  By the time we drove the two miles home from daycare, Jake was out cold.  He slept from 4p until 9p that night!  Of course, he woke up with a vengeance and was starving, but still!

A few days later, when I went to pick him up, he was napping in his crib.  I looked over the side and there he was, swaddled.  I immediately turned and asked the ladies if he liked being swaddled.  I had tried and tried in the past and he did not like it one bit!  They told me he did.  Apparently, when they swaddle him and give him a pacifier, he goes straight to sleep in his crib.  How about that!  I tried it that night and, sure enough, he was out like a light!  He even slept in his pack n play that night for a while.

Since Jacob started daycare, we have noticed major changes especially in how he sleeps at night.  We have adapted our nighttime routine as well since I have gone back to work.  Here’s how our night typically breaks down.  When Jake gets home from daycare, we play with him, hold him, and cuddle him until he starts getting fussy for his bottle, which is around 6p.  One of us feed him and try to keep him awake, which is normally unsuccessful.  He sleeps in his swing, chair, or Boppy usually.  Sometimes, if we are feeling particularly tired that day, we will move him to his crib and go to bed ourselves.  If not, I usually stay up to feed him his 9p feeding.  After this feeding, I swaddle him and put him in his crib for the night.

Around midnight, he starts getting hungry again.  Jeff takes this feeding, rocking and swaddling him after before returning him to his crib.  Around 3a, the process is repeated by me.  Jeff wakes up at 5:30a each day to eat breakfast, watch TV, and have some time to wake up before getting ready for work.  If Jake wakes up now, Jeff will take care of him until around 6:30a, when he wakes me up to take over so he can shower and get ready.  This is, of course, if I don’t have to be at work at 7:30a.  That’s a different, but still similar process.  Instead, I wake up at 5a and get ready before he needs to at 6:30a.

Swaddling Jacob has helped him sleep better and sometimes longer.  I’m ready for the day that he sleeps a consistent five hours at a time.  I’m not sure when that will be, but hopefully within the next month or two.  I will say my body had become more adjusted to getting broken sleep.  I guess that’s just what happens when you have kids!

Tons of other little things have happened within the last six weeks, but honestly it all runs together.  I tried to remember it all, but I was not good about writing things down and now I’m doing OK if I remember what happened yesterday!  I have tons of pictures and videos, so I’m hoping that’s good enough.  I’m going to try to do better about documenting things, but really who has the time??

Today, Jacob is 7 weeks old.  SEVEN!  How crazy is that?  To celebrate, we are going to get his newborn pictures taken at our photographer.  I can’t wait!

Side note:  I started this blog post on Monday.  It is now Thursday.  I wonder if it will always take me four days to complete a post!

Photos courtesy of Bella Baby Photography…the people who took Jacob’s pictures in the hospital.

Jacob is an interesting character.  He has so many traits I want to remember, I thought I’d share them with all of you!  Here are the top 10 things he does that make him unique…or a baby…whichever:

1.  Has “puppy dreams”.  Sometimes while Jacob is sleeping, he makes little noises like you would hear a puppy make.  You know, whimpers and the like.  Very cute!

2.  Has erratic nursing patterns.  This boy is so crazy!  Sometimes he does a great job nursing.  He latches on and nurses on each side for 15-20 minutes each (for a grand total of 30-40 minutes).  He’ll then sleep for 2-3 hours like a champ.  Other times he nurses for 5 or 10 minutes, falls asleep, and then wakes up again about an hour later screaming like he’s starving.  He then repeats the cycle.  I finally have to give in and give him a bottle of typically a breast milk/formula mix.  Weirdo!

3.  Makes the “wow, you’re crazy” face.  I like to sit with Jake facing me and make lots of funny sounds and noises.  He then looks at me with his eyes wide as if to say, “Dude, you’re crazy!”  I absolutely love it!

4.  Wants to escape.  Usually after about ten minutes of making said noises, he starts pushing against me with his feet.  It makes me think he’s trying to get away.  Unfortunately for him, he’s stuck with me!

5.  Loves sleeping on people.  If Jacob could talk and you gave him a choice of places to sleep, he would always, 100% of the time pick a person’s chest.  I can’t complain though.  When I’m holding him and look down to see that cute little face with his mouth open, I don’t want to be anywhere else in the world.

6.  Fights sleep 75% of the time.  I was reading the Babywise book and they suggest feeding the baby, having a bit of playtime, and then putting the baby to bed.  You then repeat this cycle a few hours later.  I think it’s a great idea in theory…until Jake decides he wants to skip his nap.  It’s not that he’s not tired.  He’s usually exhausted!  He just has a hard time settling himself down.  Hopefully this changes soon!

**Update:  I originally wrote this a few days ago.  Since then, the nice women at the daycare informed me that Jake has no trouble going to sleep for them.  I asked them what they did to encourage that behavior and they told me they swaddle him and he goes straight to sleep.  Tonight, after Jake had been awake about 1.5 hours after feeding, I knew he needed to go to sleep, so I tried the swaddle/pacifier trick.  He was asleep within 5 minutes.  Holy lord!  Who is this baby and what have they done with Jake?

7.  Has a love/hate relationship with his pacifier.  Jake can’t decide if he likes the pacifier or not.  Sometimes he’ll be whimpering and he’ll want the pacifier.  Other times he’ll be making the exact same noises and we try to give him a pacifier only to have him immediately spit it out.  He’s so funny!  When he doesn’t want the pacifier and you try to give it to him, he makes the funniest face…like you’re trying to force feed him brussels sprouts!  It’s this “What the heck are you trying to give me, Mother?” face.  Love him!

8.  Loves the bath tub.  For the first few weeks before his umbilical cord fell off, we had to give him sponge baths.  He hated them.  Even though we would put a space heater in the small bathroom and turn it on full blast before the bath, he would still shiver and shake like he was naked in the middle of a blizzard.  When this kid is cold, he CRIES!  Needless to say, we avoided giving him baths for a while.  Then, after he lost his umbilical cord, we were finally able to bath him in the baby bath.  He loved it!  He was able to be warm and get cleaned at the same time!  He must take after his Mama.  Ever since then, he has loved his time in the bath.  I hope it continues!  I can’t wait to play with him and all his toys!

9.  Prefers to be naked.  A few weeks ago in the early morning hours, I was changing his diaper and noticed some redness on his bottom as well as around his legs where the diaper went.  I didn’t know if we had the diaper on too tight or what, but I decided to let him air out a little.  I put some towels down as well as a waterproof mat and let him have some naked time.  He loved it!  Not only was he able to pee on Mom (twice) but he was able to get some air on his poor, sensitive skin.  Ever since then he has shown preference whenever we take all his clothes off.  I can just see him spending the summer in just a diaper or less!

10.  Loves lights.  We have ceiling fans with lights all over our house.  Any time we have the ceiling fan lights on and we walk under them holding Jake, he becomes mesmerized with them.  He will sit and stare at them for as long as we let him.  Oddly enough, however, when we put him in a chair or bouncy seat within eyesight of the lights, he doesn’t look at them as much.  Maybe it’s because he is further away from them?  I don’t know.  Either way, it’s kind of funny to watch.

These are just a handful of things that Jake does right now that we have been noticing.  The interesting thing about babies though is how they change so frequently.  Take this example for instance:  Jake is six weeks old today and I have tried several times to get him to sleep in his pack n play during naps.  It seemed like it would be easier to hear when he woke up instead of using the monitor.  Tonight, after speaking with the ladies at the day care, I decided to try it one more time.  He was relatively wide awake when I swaddled him, gave him a pacifier, and laid him on his back in the pack n play.  As I said above, he was out in 5 minutes.  This was a huge achievement for us.  A milestone really.  Not only did he fall asleep in his pack n play, he was able to do it swaddled AND on his own!  (He has not been the best at self soothing while falling asleep.)  He has been sleeping for about 2.5 hours and will probably be waking soon for his last feeding before bed.

Every day, I find myself loving Jake even more than I did the day before!  I love seeing all the different changes he’s making and I love watching him discover things.  I never know what the next day will bring, but I’m excited for it!

When you read the title of my post, you’re probably thinking my house, right?  Not quite…

This post is somewhat difficult for me to write, but when I started blogging I told myself I would be as open and honest as I could.  Here goes…

Motherhood is not what I expected it to be.  At all.  When I was pregnant, not a day would go by that I wouldn’t think about the growing baby in my belly and how I was so excited to meet him and play with him.  I imagined all the fun things we would do from playing on the playground to teaching him how to cook to exploring Disney World together.  I imagined rocking him and singing to him and telling him all about the world he lived in.

Not once did I imagine I wouldn’t want to take care of him.  But that’s what happened.

The night Jacob was born, I looked over at my baby with the team of nurses and doctors around him and thought, “Well, that was an ordeal.”  I didn’t cry, I wasn’t really overcome with any sort of emotion except gratitude that it was over.  I just assumed it was normal since I had been in labor for 24 hours and was exhausted and hormonal.  (Since I had a pretty strong epidural, it was even harder to push because I couldn’t feel anything, so when he was finally out, I was more than happy.)

In the days following, I was terrified of my newborn, afraid I was going to hurt him by not supporting his head properly, not feeding him enough, or causing diaper rash so bad it would rub his little bottom raw.  Again, I assumed these feelings were normal for new parents.

After we got home, it really got bad.  I couldn’t eat due to nausea, I could barely drink, and every time Jacob fell asleep I secretly cheered with joy because I didn’t have to take care of him for a little while.  In fact, when he was asleep and I thought about him waking up, a fresh wave of nausea would waft over me.  I cried all the time.  I wanted to sleep constantly.  I was a wreck.

I called my mom one day after a particularly hard night in which Jake was up from about 2a until 7a.  I was in tears and could barely even put two words together to explain to her what I was feeling.  Her first concern, she later told me, was that the baby was OK.  Her second concern was that HER baby (me) was OK.  I wasn’t.

As the days went on, I got progressively worse.  At one point, Jeff looked at me and said, “Something needs to change.  You can’t keep going like this.”  I just stared blankly at him and told him I was going to go take a bath.  In the bathtub, I just sat and thought about a lot of things.  I let my brain run wild and tried to figure out why I was feeling these things.  I landed on two words:  baby blues.

I knew getting postpartum depression was a possibility.  Brooke Shields’ interview on Oprah (where she talked about running her car into a wall with the baby in it) kept playing in my head.  I thought, “Well, I’m not that bad.  I don’t want to hurt little Jacob in any way.  I don’t have postpartum depression!”  But the more I sat there and thought about it, the more I knew I was suffering from some form of the illness.  I kept reminding myself things would get better (everyone said so), but I just couldn’t FEEL better.  I wanted to stay in that bathtub all day and just ignore the world outside of the bathroom, but I couldn’t do that to Jeff.  Fatherhood is hard too, after all.

I thought long and hard about what I could do to change how I felt about the situation I was in.  I couldn’t give Jacob back, obviously.  Honestly, I didn’t really want to, I just wanted to feel more like myself.  I finally decided I would call my OB and ask them what was the best thing to do.  The nurse I talked to was really sweet.  I told her I thought maybe I had baby blues and she immediately started reassuring me that it was normal and could be dealt with.  Before I knew it, I had an appointment that day to see the nurse practitioner.

A few hours later I was sitting in front of the nurse practitioner trying not to cry as I explained how I was feeling as best I could.  I still didn’t understand what emotions I was feeling.  She tried to help me understand.

“You’re wondering why you don’t feel a connection, if you made a mistake having a baby, and what you’ve gotten yourself into, right?”  She was spot on.  She looked at me straight in the eyes and said, “You’re not a bad mother.  Tons of new moms feel the exact same.  You are normal and you’ll probably feel back to normal within one week.”  I lost it.  I broke down crying, more from relief than anything.  Just hearing someone else that had been through it (and, bonus, she was a medical professional) tell me it was normal helped tremendously.

I was still a little fragile, though, so she wrote me a prescription for some antidepressants.  She gave me the script with some precautions:  I would have to take the medicine religiously, stay on it for 9 months to a year, and gradually be weaned off of it or else I would get really sick.  Yikes.  It would also take one week to really feel the effects of the medication (it wasn’t a quick fix).

After talking it over with Jeff, I came to the following conclusions:  I was really bad at remembering to take pills every day even with reminders, I didn’t want to be on a medication for nine months or longer, and the possibility of feeling back to normal in a week even without the medication was appealing.  I opted to wait it out for one week and see how I felt.  If I was still feeling crappy, I would fill the prescription and start the regimen.

The next day I woke up and surveyed my feelings.  I was…better!  Just simply talking with the nurse (and with friends and family) helped so much!  Hearing I was not alone and that others had felt the exact same way as I did helped so much.  I can’t even begin to describe the relief I felt when I started recognizing myself again.

Over the next few days, I got better and better.  Yes, there were still times I needed a few minutes by myself and even now there are times when I just want someone else to take care of Jake for a few minutes, but gradually the feelings of “was having a baby the right choice for me” went away.

Today, I look at my little boy and see the future.  I once again see myself with him in the playground, the kitchen, and (of course) at Disney World.  I see my husband and I holding one of Jacob’s hands in ours and playing the “1, 2, 3 SWING” game while we walk.  I look into his eyes and see the man he may be.  I patiently wait to hear the beautiful giggle that will one day come out of his mouth.  Every time I look at him, I feel a little bit closer to him.  He is precious and he is a gift.  And I wouldn’t change anything for the world.

My mom asked me the other day if there was anything I wish I had known before I was pregnant and I immediately said, “I wish I had known more about postpartum depression and how it might feel.”  She suggested I write this blog post to help educate those out there that might be feeling the same way and for pregnant women who have yet to experience motherhood and all the challenges that you don’t expect.  As I said above, it is a very private and somewhat embarrassing thing to admit I didn’t fall head over heels in love with my newborn the minute I met him.  It is hard to admit I was jealous of Jeff for loving our son more than I did on day one.  It is hard to make the decision to as for help.  I’m glad I did though.

If you are a new mom struggling with depression, no matter how mild the form, please know there is help out there.  Talk to your OB, talk to your friends and family, talk to your religious leader.  Get the help you need to feel better.  If you need meds, get them!  No one wants you to suffer in silence and everyone understands how hard turning into a mom can be.  Trust me.  One of the phrases I heard the most was “You are not a bad mother.”  Someone also said this to me at one point when I was trying to decide between breastfeeding and formula feeding:  “Whatever decision you make for your baby is the right one.  You are the mom and only you know what is best for you and your baby.”  It’s true.  YOU make the decisions and no matter what you choose, it is the right choice.

If you are pregnant, please read up on postpartum depression.  I wish I had known more about it so I could understand that things were normal and that most signs of depression go away in the first couple weeks.  Believe me when I tell you motherhood is no joke.  It is HARD making a transition like that, even WITH help.  I have had my mom staying with me for the past two weeks and, honestly, when she leaves on Saturday I am going to panic just a little.

I received an email about a week ago from one of the mailing lists I’m on that talked about postpartum depression.  It said many women talk about having that immediate and perfect bond with their little one.  It also said many other women don’t experience this and need more time to cultivate the relationship as with every other person in their lives.  Think about it…most likely the relationships you have with your loved ones didn’t happen overnight.  Instead they probably took months or even years to grow to the strong bond you now share.  Why is a baby any different?  Sure, you have been feeling the baby move and grow for the last several months, but you are both still strangers to each other.  You may need time to learn about each other and develop the bond you will cherish in the future.  There is nothing wrong with that.  It doesn’t make you a bad mom.  :)

I hope this post helps some of you understand the possibilities of the relationship you may have with your newborn.  I hope those of you who experienced similar feelings take comfort in knowing you’re not alone.  Now, with that topic having been discussed, I’m going to go play with my little Jakey Poo.  He’s the best gift I could have ever asked for.  :)

That’s right!  Jacob was born on December 8, 2011 at 12:19a after a somewhat long process.  Here’s his story:

December 6th dawned bright and cheerful.  I was up early to be at my job by 7:30a.  After getting a few things done around the store, I left work to go to my 39.5 week doctor’s appointment.  I was ready to pop and anxious to hear what my doctor would say about my progression.  I had had several bouts of contractions, though none of them were so bad I thought they were labor contractions.

I got checked out by my doctor and she said I was 1.5 cm dilated and 75% effaced, which was just slightly different than the 1 cm and 50% dilated I had been the week before.  I was somewhat bummed but, seeing as I was still dreading childbirth, I just took the news in stride.  She told me I was going to be pretty crampy that night and I wasn’t sure why until I realized she did a membrane sweep on me.  (“Membrane sweep”, also known as membrane stripping, or “stretch and sweep” in Australia and the UK – during an internal examination, the midwife moves her finger around the cervix to stimulate and/or separate the membranes around the baby from the cervix. This causes a release of prostaglandins which can help to kick-start labor. -wikipedia.org)

I got back to work that day and within an hour or so I began to feel what she was talking about.  It wasn’t horribly painful, but instead felt like medium menstrual cramps.  One woman I talked to at work told me she and her sister both had it done when they were pregnant.  Nothing happened to her when she had the sweep, but her sister had the baby within 24 hours of it.  I finished up work that day and went home expecting nothing to happen.  Little did I know…

I woke up at 12:30a with some stronger cramping.  These cramps felt different however.  First of all there was a pattern to them.  They would come on, get progressively stronger, and then fade.  I began timing them after a bit just because I was curious.  I was able to sleep between contractions for the most part since they were occurring every 7-9 minutes or so.  Jeff said I would be snoring, then wake up for a minute or two, then fall right back to sleep and resume snoring.  How funny!

At one point I got up to go to the bathroom and I felt a weird sensation.  It was almost like a little “pop” and I felt like I was leaking a little bit.  Now, when I say leaking, I’m talking the slightest bit ever.  I thought maybe my water had broken, but I wasn’t sure.  Maybe it was just residual urine?  I had no idea…

After steady contractions for 4.5 hours, I called the on call OB who told me he thought I should go ahead and come in since it sounded like I was in labor.  I opted to shower first and encouraged Jeff to do the same.  We were on our way to the hospital around 5:30a.

We got to the hospital and were set up in the triage area so an RN could come establish our condition.  During her routine exam, she went to feel my cervix and popped my water bag!  She looked at us and said, “Well, your water bag had a small hole in it and now it’s got a big hole in it.  You aren’t leaving now!”  I think Jeff was both excited and nervous.  I know I was!

We were admitted into the hospital and got all set up.  After I got my IV, the HR monitors for me and baby, and answered a ton of questions, we were left to relax.  I was still having contractions of course and when the nurse came in with the dreaded bag of pitocin, I looked at her and said, “I’m almost positive I’ll want an epidural in the next hour.”  I was not trying to win any pain prizes that day!

Before the anesthesiologist came in to give me the epidural (which was not bad at all, btw) the RN told me she wanted to insert internal monitors to measure the baby’s HR and pulse.  I unknowingly agreed (though I didn’t have an option I don’t think).  It was one of the most painful parts of the entire process!  From what I’ve researched, a monitor is placed on the baby’s head that relays the necessary information to the medical team.  I think the reason it hurt so much is because she had to feel around for the head.  She was all up in my business for quite some time, which didn’t help things.  I remember thinking when she was done that I never wanted to experience that again.  I also looked at Jeff and started crying because of the look on his face.  He didn’t like seeing his wife in pain!

Once the monitor was in and the epidural was administered, things got much more relaxing albeit a bit tricky.  One of the side effects from having an epidural is nausea.  Lucky me, I’m one of those people to whom this fun side affect applies.  A few minutes after I got the epidural, I started to feel nauseated.  The anesthesiologist gave me a drug to combat the effects, which seemed to work for a while.  Any time I was laid down, however, I would get nauseated again.  This was somewhat complicating to the labor process because of the different ways they want you to lay to get your cervix to open up more.  For example, they wanted me laying on my side with pillows between my legs, but every time I was lowered into a lying position I would feel as though I was about to get sick.  No fun.  I stayed in an inclined seated position for most of the labor.  I don’t remember much, however, since I slept about 90% of the day.

After passing the day snoozing and watching TV, 9:45p came around and the nurse checked me.  She said I was 10 cm dilated and it was close to being time to start pushing.  Holy lord, was I ready for this??  Guess I had to be!

I pushed for a little over 2 hours, stopping twice to get sick in a little pink basin.  Pushing was horrible because I couldn’t feel where I needed to be focusing my efforts.  My epidural was so strong that I couldn’t feel much at all.  After sitting in the same position for 2 hours, I really couldn’t feel anything.  My entire lower half had gone completely numb.

One funny side note:  when you are in labor, you push an average of three times with each contraction (or at least that’s how they did it at my hospital).  After several minutes of pushing this way, my nurse told me we were only going to push with every other contraction since the baby’s heart rate wasn’t looking as good as they would have liked.  I didn’t mind this because after each contraction I had to focus on calming my nausea and not vomiting.  I actually ended up falling asleep between contractions!

Finally, at a little after midnight, my doctor came in and things really got moving.  I ended up getting a small episiotomy and they had to use the suction to get the little guy out, but at 12:19a, we welcomed a very loud little Jacob into the world!  He weighed 7 pounds 6 ounces and was 20.5 inches long.

The first thing he wanted to do once he was able to?  Dive face first into mom’s boobs.  Typical male.

Having a newborn in the house has been both nerve wracking and wonderful at the same time.  I still can’t believe I’m a mom and this little guy is all mine.  He’s so little and seems so fragile, but each day he gets a little bit bigger.  He’s a great eater (so much so I sometimes fear I can’t keep up with his needs!) and has already achieved his birth weight back!  In fact, we took him to his two week check up a few days early and he had not only regained the 6 ounces he lost originally, he had put on an extra 4!  He now weighs 7 pounds 10 ounces and gets bigger every day.

We are so blessed to have a new little life in our house.  Every day is a bit challenging and a bit rewarding all rolled up into one.  We just take each day as it comes and do our best to figure things out.  Everyone said parenting was hard.  I’m here to say parenting is no joke and it is probably the hardest thing I have ever done, but seeing Jake’s cute face while he’s having one of his baby dreams is worth it.  And kissing his head.  And feet.  And belly.  And every other part of him.  As I said, every day brings new challenges, but also new triumphs.

Here’s to today’s triumph:  losing the umbilical cord!

Hoping to get things under control and start blogging again soon. :)